Written by Katy Hogg
So, my recent attempts to become employed have not been too successful. You know the kind of day when you walk around blasting your headphones with Kelis’ ‘I Hate You’? There’s been the odd moment when that has seemed tempting.
After having received another automated rejection email, I have been inspired to write this and share my tale of woe. It is a vicious cycle that only the brave can hope to surpass. This, my SELLL soldiers, is 6 Degrees of Desperation…
1. You wake up. It seems like any other day, but today something is different. This is because today is the day for triumph! The sun is shining, your hair is blowing in the breeze and you have your laptop at the ready for the most magnificent job hunt the world has ever known. Let the games begin.
2. After slaving for hours at your desk, meticulously checking every last detail of your CV and patiently clicking your way through endless application forms you’re feeling pretty confident. All that hard work was so worth it. You are the best. There is not a chance that you could ever be denied! Catch you later, overwhelming sense of guilt and worry about not having a job!
3. Impatience soon comes knocking when you don’t hear anything back for a while. Given the confidence with which you had flown your little job-retrieving birds from the nest, this comes as a surprise to you. But- wait! What is that I see?! The arrival of an email! What could this mean?! Oh. ‘Due to the high volume of…’ I get it. To add insult to injury, you are added to their records. Which actually means they will send you a notification of when another job comes up. In other words, it will be a subtle reminder- ‘Hey, remember that time when we didn’t hire you? Yeah we probably won’t give you the call this time either…’
4. Times get tougher. You call a friend for some comforting words or encouragement. What you really mean to do is moan and let off some steam about how upsetting it is to be thrown back into the ocean like a used carcass. What happens instead is they won’t let you talk until they’ve told you every story about someone they knew who was unemployed but it ended up being the best thing for them because they found… Oh, just stop and let me whinge for a bit would you?!
5. Upon reaching your peak level of frustration and exhausted by the whole world, you turn to your last hope. Netflix. The friend who is there for you to provide all of your heart’s desires anytime of the day or night, the friend who checks on you every now and again by asking if you’re still there- so attentive! You fall willingly into the loving arms of binge-viewing paradise after finding your new favourite series.
6. Having exorcised all the demons in your system, you are now ready for human contact once again. Go out, see your friends, have a little dance, laugh it off and forget about the whole trauma you’ve battled your way through. You feel relaxed and conclude with these thoughts…You are amazing and it will take time for the universe to create a job that matches your true awesomeness! You’ll get them next time!
Get back to the beginning, my friend, you’re in the cycle now!